A few days ago, I was on a website titled stumbleupon.com. It's a great site to go to if you seriously need to waste some time (or just want to procrastinate). All you have to do is push a button and it will take you to other websites that will entertain you in any number of ways: A funny joke, an interesting factoid, games, gadgets. You name it. How appropriate it was when I pushed this all-knowing button and it took me to "12 1/2 things all writers should know." The one that stuck out the most was the first one: Write every day. If you write every day, you'll get better at writing every day.
Pay no attention to the length of time in between this post and the last post. Shhh... I've been writing... really....essays and research papers and stuff. That counts.... right?
The truth is I thought about writing. I think about it all the time. When I wake up at 3:00 in the morning I have a brilliant idea for a story that I'll swear to remember to write down in the morning. I'll get super charged with inspiration while pumping gas into my car. Ok, I think to myself, write this down when you get home. Then poof. Like it was so offended that I didn't take the time right then to acknowledge its presence in my brain.
It's my idea! I should be able to have it and own it and do anything I want to it!
Nope.
Sorry.
Not how that works. Crap.
I did, however, manage to be smart about it at least once. On the break I had from school (you know, what I used as another excuse not to write), I had a rather interesting self-discovery and actually wrote it down.
So, as an homage to the writing I should have done and the writing that I promise to honor in the future, here is something I did write.
(December 2009)
I don't really like Christmas
I have an unusual need to be productive
and get pretty grumpy when I'm not.
Sure I worked a little. Picked up a few shifts at my old job. Nice for the money; bad for the psyche. In the few shorts months in which I worked only one day per week, the trance that had once deluded my sense of self-worth had been broken. Albeit a good thing to get rid of such trances, this made the the two weeks of 3 and 4 days per week almost unbearable.
The first few days were alright, I guess. Then I noticed the new dynamic that had been put into place: New, young, painfully green professionals that were brimming with "new" ideas. For which they were asking my help. Immediately I put forth the only defense mechanism I knew: pessimism with a dash of Been-There-Done-That for good measure.
It was almost painful, watching these new workers start out the same way I had. Now I know that it was all a plot to show me how ready I was to move on.
So, in that department: Moving on. I've been on break for the passed three weeks and, can I say BORING! I think I might start messing the house up so I have something to clean. Hence the "unusual need to be productive" clause above. I've known this about myself for a long time, but never really tested it. How lazy can I be?
Not very as it turns out.
However I did manage to have a mental breakdown. That gave me something to do. Mental note: when the task of making a salad causes 20 minutes of self-doubt, while boyfriend is attempting the consolation by surface cleaning, then followed by 10 minutes of frantically looking up phone number, it might be best to stay home.
(Fast forward to present day)
So, I got through my first full-time year of college and here are a few more things that I learned about myself:
I am overly critical of everything I do, a control freak, and I never think I'm good enough. I told that to a coworker and you know what she said?
"You sound like a writer."
I laughed, I cried, I panicked, and I conquered.
Only 4 more years to go.
